Not too long ago we were teaching a parenting seminar in Arizona in a local hotel. Just before it started the pastor was in a panic because he couldn't find his toddler. He ran to the swimming pool, checked the parking lot and looked around the building before coming back inside to find her asleep on a friend's lap. What relief!
When you see your child in imminent danger, then you're motivated to do something about it. You wouldn't say, "I'll finish talking to this person and then go out and get her." No, you know the danger and you respond.
In the same way, allowing children to get away with misbehavior is dangerous to their future and to their character. Our children are in danger when we let them continue to disobey or continue to act foolishly or irresponsibly. When we begin to see the danger our children are in, we are more likely to respond to them. We need to see our disciplining of them as rescuing them from danger.
We hear about strong-willed children. Those are children who are hard to work with because of their determination. They have a persistence that tests any parent's desire for cooperation. What we need is to be strong-willed parents, not in a bad sense of being stubborn or obstinate, but parents who are determined to hang in there in the midst of the struggle.
Recognize the danger of disobedience and take firm action. You will rescue your child from many of the pitfalls of life.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Showing posts with label Parenting Tip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting Tip. Show all posts
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Another Way to Teach Kids Honor
One of the ways that parents can teach honor to children is to include it in the instruction process. You might say, “I’d like you to obey me by setting the table, then I want you to think of something extra to do to surprise me. That’s showing honor. You choose; it’s up to you. Report to me when you’re done and I’ll check your work.”
Surprising parents delights them and focuses on something they want or need. Instructing children to surprise you by doing something extra teaches them to think about your needs and desires not just getting away with the bare minimum. When your child does an extra task, it’s like giving you a gift. Receive the gift with delight. This can be a fun way to teach honor.
Honor involves doing more than what's expected. All family members need to learn honor and children can learn it when parents teach it. So look for ways to teach kids to do more than what's expected in daily life. It will not only make family life better now but it will also help kids be more successful as they get older.
This parenting tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Surprising parents delights them and focuses on something they want or need. Instructing children to surprise you by doing something extra teaches them to think about your needs and desires not just getting away with the bare minimum. When your child does an extra task, it’s like giving you a gift. Receive the gift with delight. This can be a fun way to teach honor.
Honor involves doing more than what's expected. All family members need to learn honor and children can learn it when parents teach it. So look for ways to teach kids to do more than what's expected in daily life. It will not only make family life better now but it will also help kids be more successful as they get older.
This parenting tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Look for Positive Qualities Misused
All children have good character qualities that, when taken to the extreme, have a negative side. One child may be quite organized, but if not careful, may become inflexible in a less structured situation. It's like the saying, "your strength can be your greatest weakness."
One mom told about her son who had a genuine sensitivity to others' needs. He was compassionate and cared for others and often felt things deeply. "I remember one time when he was younger, he began to cry when he saw an ambulance speeding down the road because he knew that someone was hurt inside. He's very caring. Unfortunately, sometimes this sensitivity can cause him to become moody or overly emotional, pouting or crying over the least little problem." So the positive quality is sensitivity but it can have a negative side of being moody or being prone to emotional outbursts.
Another mom saw that her son had the ability to work hard at a task without being distracted. “He focuses intensely, with real determination to succeed.” This quality of being persistent can be a real asset, but sometimes it would show itself as stubbornness.
As you look at your children's weaknesses, look for a positive character quality they may be misusing. Look for ways to balance it with other character qualities. Give praise for the positive quality and encourage practical ways to bring balance. Envision a positive future for your child based on those qualities. Encourage small steps of adjustment to bring them in line.
Focusing on character is one of the ways to touch a child's heart and bring about lasting change.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
One mom told about her son who had a genuine sensitivity to others' needs. He was compassionate and cared for others and often felt things deeply. "I remember one time when he was younger, he began to cry when he saw an ambulance speeding down the road because he knew that someone was hurt inside. He's very caring. Unfortunately, sometimes this sensitivity can cause him to become moody or overly emotional, pouting or crying over the least little problem." So the positive quality is sensitivity but it can have a negative side of being moody or being prone to emotional outbursts.
Another mom saw that her son had the ability to work hard at a task without being distracted. “He focuses intensely, with real determination to succeed.” This quality of being persistent can be a real asset, but sometimes it would show itself as stubbornness.
As you look at your children's weaknesses, look for a positive character quality they may be misusing. Look for ways to balance it with other character qualities. Give praise for the positive quality and encourage practical ways to bring balance. Envision a positive future for your child based on those qualities. Encourage small steps of adjustment to bring them in line.
Focusing on character is one of the ways to touch a child's heart and bring about lasting change.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What to Do When Your Baby Hits
Most babies hit out of frustration, anger, or for mere entertainment. What should a parent do? Sometimes the solution is simply to distract the child with a different activity. But if the problem persists and you feel like discipline is necessary, we recommend that you take consistent, firm action. Keep in mind that a firm approach doesn't require harshness.
Immediately set your child down on the floor, with a firm statement like, "Be gentle" and step back to avoid getting hit again. Don't display anger but be deliberate and firm. Your child needs to learn that hitting doesn't work. She can't stay in your arms or on your lap. If she hits you will remove her from that place immediately.
But that's not the end. The next thing your child does is come to you for a hug. This is the precursor to the Positive Conclusion you will use later. "Are you ready to get up. Come over and give me a hug. Show me what gentle is." Allow the child to give a hug or stroke your arm with her hand in a gentle way. Praise her for her gentleness.
When you set your son down after hitting, he may have a temper tantrum. If you're in a situation that allows, the best thing is to ignore him until he's calmed down and then encourage him to come back for a reuniting time. Immediate, consistent, temporary separation like this followed by a Positive Conclusion will discourage the hitting and replace it with something else. A careful balance is needed here between a firm approach and a loving relationship.
Children who can't yet talk or communicate well, often get frustrated and act out with violence. Don't just ignore it. While you're teaching communication skills, also teach limits on hitting, biting, pushing, and other forms of physical meanness.
For more practical ideas on working with infants and toddlers, consider the audio CD series, Parenting Toddlers Establishing Healthy Patterns from the Start Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Immediately set your child down on the floor, with a firm statement like, "Be gentle" and step back to avoid getting hit again. Don't display anger but be deliberate and firm. Your child needs to learn that hitting doesn't work. She can't stay in your arms or on your lap. If she hits you will remove her from that place immediately.
But that's not the end. The next thing your child does is come to you for a hug. This is the precursor to the Positive Conclusion you will use later. "Are you ready to get up. Come over and give me a hug. Show me what gentle is." Allow the child to give a hug or stroke your arm with her hand in a gentle way. Praise her for her gentleness.
When you set your son down after hitting, he may have a temper tantrum. If you're in a situation that allows, the best thing is to ignore him until he's calmed down and then encourage him to come back for a reuniting time. Immediate, consistent, temporary separation like this followed by a Positive Conclusion will discourage the hitting and replace it with something else. A careful balance is needed here between a firm approach and a loving relationship.
Children who can't yet talk or communicate well, often get frustrated and act out with violence. Don't just ignore it. While you're teaching communication skills, also teach limits on hitting, biting, pushing, and other forms of physical meanness.
For more practical ideas on working with infants and toddlers, consider the audio CD series, Parenting Toddlers Establishing Healthy Patterns from the Start Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Resolving Anger Doesn't Require Venting
When we talk about calming down and controlling anger, we don't mean denying it. Some people may think that controlling anger means ignoring it, pushing it away, or stifling it. That is unproductive. We want to teach children a strategy to address their feelings and manage them in a healthy way. Anger should not be stifled and ignored, but rage does need to be controlled.
Some people believe that the only way to get rid of anger is to drain it by venting. Unfortunately, this venting doesn't take into consideration the person upon whom that anger is vented. Venting anger is selfish and hurtful to others; it's a demonstration of a lack of self-control.
Often the expression of anger is harmful and hurtful to other people. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Venting anger may bring immediate resolution on a feeling level. Exploding and venting anger often helps a person feel better. The problem is, allowing children to vent their anger doesn't teach them how to manage it in a constructive way. So the next time the child feels enraged, he is more likely to be explosive.
The solution is to help children learn to control their emotions and funnel the energy into constructive solutions. The most important key in any anger management plan is to learn to stop and take a break from the situation to settle down and then reenter in a more self controlled way.
Refuse to dialogue with children when they’re angry. Require an angry child to sit in the hall or on the bottom step and settle down before proceeding. If you dialogue with an angry child you may even get angry as well and then a battle will ensue. Don't let anger control your family dynamics. If your child even begins to get angry, stop the process sooner.
By the way, this works with husbands and wives too!
For a strategy for helping children who struggle with anger, consider the CD available for $6 called Helping Children Deal with Anger, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Some people believe that the only way to get rid of anger is to drain it by venting. Unfortunately, this venting doesn't take into consideration the person upon whom that anger is vented. Venting anger is selfish and hurtful to others; it's a demonstration of a lack of self-control.
Often the expression of anger is harmful and hurtful to other people. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Venting anger may bring immediate resolution on a feeling level. Exploding and venting anger often helps a person feel better. The problem is, allowing children to vent their anger doesn't teach them how to manage it in a constructive way. So the next time the child feels enraged, he is more likely to be explosive.
The solution is to help children learn to control their emotions and funnel the energy into constructive solutions. The most important key in any anger management plan is to learn to stop and take a break from the situation to settle down and then reenter in a more self controlled way.
Refuse to dialogue with children when they’re angry. Require an angry child to sit in the hall or on the bottom step and settle down before proceeding. If you dialogue with an angry child you may even get angry as well and then a battle will ensue. Don't let anger control your family dynamics. If your child even begins to get angry, stop the process sooner.
By the way, this works with husbands and wives too!
For a strategy for helping children who struggle with anger, consider the CD available for $6 called Helping Children Deal with Anger, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Three Basic Family Rules
Rules are important in family life. They clarify expectations and provide opportunities for parents to teach about values. Some parents, however, rely too heavily on rules. They develop lists and family life boils down to a bunch of do's and don'ts.
Remember that rules tend to focus on behavior and may miss the heart. But, if you use rules wisely and talk often about why the rules are helpful, you can teach your children a great deal about the values you want to pass on. As you begin making rules for young children, we would suggest three simple rules:
Obey
Show Respect
Be Kind
Almost any infraction in family life can fall under one of these three. Having just a few rules is especially good for young children. These three become the basis for most other rules as children get older. Each of them represents an important character quality.
These rules are simple and introduce young children to the fact that certain guidelines dictate what's expected in family life. Talk about them often as you teach and discipline your children. This will help to instill a sense of character even at a young age.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Remember that rules tend to focus on behavior and may miss the heart. But, if you use rules wisely and talk often about why the rules are helpful, you can teach your children a great deal about the values you want to pass on. As you begin making rules for young children, we would suggest three simple rules:
Obey
Show Respect
Be Kind
Almost any infraction in family life can fall under one of these three. Having just a few rules is especially good for young children. These three become the basis for most other rules as children get older. Each of them represents an important character quality.
These rules are simple and introduce young children to the fact that certain guidelines dictate what's expected in family life. Talk about them often as you teach and discipline your children. This will help to instill a sense of character even at a young age.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Understanding Why We Get Angry
One of the helpful steps in helping children control their anger is to recognize four causes of anger. After children have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what's causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. The plan is also sold separately on an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. The plan is also sold separately on an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Teaching Character to Three-Year-Olds
Different character qualities can be emphasized at different developmental stages. A newborn, for example, learns about love, trust, and a positive view of the world because of the loving care given by parents.
As children grow and develop, new character qualities are added to the picture. Preschoolers are at a strategic age to learn so much about life. Creativity, compassion, patience, confidence, and cooperation are just a few of the many new qualities that begin to develop during these years.
Two character qualities, in particular, become a focus in the parent/child relationship: Self-discipline and responsiveness to authority. But please don't think that teaching these qualities requires harshness, demandingness, or an authoritarian approach. Rather, these qualities can be taught with a loving firmness that prepares children for greater success in life.
Preschoolers learn self-discipline skills by coming when called instead of running away. These children also learn about a bedtime and how to hold a parent's hand in a store or out in public. Children resist these attempts to help them learn to give up their agenda, but that's what self-discipline is all about. Even adults resist a diet, staying on a budget, or an exercise program. If we can teach children self-discipline when they're preschoolers, they'll begin to develop significant tools for when they get older.
Talk about self-discipline with preschoolers. They may not understand the term yet, but they'll grow into it. We can teach self-discipline through a number of family rules. When we go into a store, we have the "No Touch Rule." When in a library or bank, we may use the "Don't be Wild Rule." When you first teach rules like these, start by making them fun. Teach the rules like a game, then put them into practice in life and enforce the new rules with repetition and practice.
"But my kids won't do these things," you may say. And maybe they won't unless you practice. But the preschool years are an excellent time to build some character qualities that will last a long time in a child's life.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
As children grow and develop, new character qualities are added to the picture. Preschoolers are at a strategic age to learn so much about life. Creativity, compassion, patience, confidence, and cooperation are just a few of the many new qualities that begin to develop during these years.
Two character qualities, in particular, become a focus in the parent/child relationship: Self-discipline and responsiveness to authority. But please don't think that teaching these qualities requires harshness, demandingness, or an authoritarian approach. Rather, these qualities can be taught with a loving firmness that prepares children for greater success in life.
Preschoolers learn self-discipline skills by coming when called instead of running away. These children also learn about a bedtime and how to hold a parent's hand in a store or out in public. Children resist these attempts to help them learn to give up their agenda, but that's what self-discipline is all about. Even adults resist a diet, staying on a budget, or an exercise program. If we can teach children self-discipline when they're preschoolers, they'll begin to develop significant tools for when they get older.
Talk about self-discipline with preschoolers. They may not understand the term yet, but they'll grow into it. We can teach self-discipline through a number of family rules. When we go into a store, we have the "No Touch Rule." When in a library or bank, we may use the "Don't be Wild Rule." When you first teach rules like these, start by making them fun. Teach the rules like a game, then put them into practice in life and enforce the new rules with repetition and practice.
"But my kids won't do these things," you may say. And maybe they won't unless you practice. But the preschool years are an excellent time to build some character qualities that will last a long time in a child's life.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Most Common Parenting Question
The question we're probably asked the most often in our parenting seminars and radio interviews is, "What do I do when my kids act out in the grocery store?" We all have stories from our own families and we've observed other children throw tantrums, run away, whine, complain, or disobey in the store. We may write a booklet someday called, "How to Parent in Public." Then we could all carry around these booklets and hand them out to frustrated parents in public places.
At least part of the answer is that you don't practice your discipline strategies in the grocery store. That's the final exam! You practice in the kitchen, bedroom, laundry room, and backyard. Children need to learn how to handle disappointment at home so they can accept a no answer in the check out line.
Our kids need to learn to come when they're called so that they'll respond in public. Children who haven't learned how to accept correction at home without a bad attitude will miserably fail the test when they have an audience.
Look for ways to reproduce the grocery store situations at home, at the park, and in other places so that children can learn positive routines to use in public. Talk about how to act at the bank, the library, and the store. Teach your children the "No Touch Rule" and the "Don't be Wild Rule" and practice them often.
It won't be long before you'll be able to take your young children into the Hallmark store with all those dangerously beautiful things waiting to be broken. If you've practiced, then your kids will do fine and people will say, "Oh what nice children you have." Of course those people don't realize how much work you've done to help your kids develop the character to handle these temptations.
Then the grocery store will be easier. That doesn't mean you won't ever have a problem. In those times you have to do the best you can, get what you need, and get out of there, but the difficult times will be far fewer than the successful ones when you take time to practice at home.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
At least part of the answer is that you don't practice your discipline strategies in the grocery store. That's the final exam! You practice in the kitchen, bedroom, laundry room, and backyard. Children need to learn how to handle disappointment at home so they can accept a no answer in the check out line.
Our kids need to learn to come when they're called so that they'll respond in public. Children who haven't learned how to accept correction at home without a bad attitude will miserably fail the test when they have an audience.
Look for ways to reproduce the grocery store situations at home, at the park, and in other places so that children can learn positive routines to use in public. Talk about how to act at the bank, the library, and the store. Teach your children the "No Touch Rule" and the "Don't be Wild Rule" and practice them often.
It won't be long before you'll be able to take your young children into the Hallmark store with all those dangerously beautiful things waiting to be broken. If you've practiced, then your kids will do fine and people will say, "Oh what nice children you have." Of course those people don't realize how much work you've done to help your kids develop the character to handle these temptations.
Then the grocery store will be easier. That doesn't mean you won't ever have a problem. In those times you have to do the best you can, get what you need, and get out of there, but the difficult times will be far fewer than the successful ones when you take time to practice at home.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Ending Every Discipline Time Positively
After a consequence or a conflict time, it's important to have a positive conclusion. It's usually best to talk about what went wrong, why it was wrong, and to give children a plan for next time. After that discussion, end the whole discipline by saying something like, "Okay, go ahead and try again."
An affirming statement at the end says, "I believe in you. Yes, you're going to make mistakes, there are consequences but we can debrief and learn together." This gives your child the confidence to try again. This kind of ending essentially says to a child that you believe in him, that we all make mistakes, and you know that he now has what it takes to make a right choice next time.
This kind of ending is similar to the way that Jesus ended the conversation with the woman caught in adultery. He said, "Go and sin no more." That's the kind of ending we want on our discipline. Go and try again.
Start this kind of positive conclusion with children as young as two years old. They may not be able to answer all the questions and, of course, you'll want to keep it short. But take time to hug and affirm a young child recognizing that the way you correct at two builds patterns for ways that you'll correct at five or fifteen.
With older children, take the time necessary to discuss issues and work to bring discipline times around to a positive conclusion. If the child is unwilling to respond you may need to take a break but don't just let it go. Teach young people that we continue to work on conflict until it's resolved. That's not easy sometimes but if you work hard on it now you'll be giving your child a gift that will be used later in life as well.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
An affirming statement at the end says, "I believe in you. Yes, you're going to make mistakes, there are consequences but we can debrief and learn together." This gives your child the confidence to try again. This kind of ending essentially says to a child that you believe in him, that we all make mistakes, and you know that he now has what it takes to make a right choice next time.
This kind of ending is similar to the way that Jesus ended the conversation with the woman caught in adultery. He said, "Go and sin no more." That's the kind of ending we want on our discipline. Go and try again.
Start this kind of positive conclusion with children as young as two years old. They may not be able to answer all the questions and, of course, you'll want to keep it short. But take time to hug and affirm a young child recognizing that the way you correct at two builds patterns for ways that you'll correct at five or fifteen.
With older children, take the time necessary to discuss issues and work to bring discipline times around to a positive conclusion. If the child is unwilling to respond you may need to take a break but don't just let it go. Teach young people that we continue to work on conflict until it's resolved. That's not easy sometimes but if you work hard on it now you'll be giving your child a gift that will be used later in life as well.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Don't Take The Bait
Be careful when your children bait you and try to draw you into a fight. If you’re easily sucked into an argument with your child, it may be an indication that you need to do some work on your own anger.
It's amazing that children are smart enough to find those buttons that will set us off, but what's more amazing is that parents take the bait. A child may say, "You never let me have a snack," and the parent all of a sudden is ready to fight. Or the child says, "Dad wouldn't do it this way," or "I don't want to go to school," and Mom goes into a tirade. Children know what it is that gets us. If you find those opportunities irresistible then you need to step back and deal with your own anger.
Now, don't get us wrong. Children who engage in manipulations like that need to be disciplined, but they don't need anger. There's a difference. Your anger points out a problem. That's what anger is good for. It tells you something is wrong. But anger isn't good for solving problems.
When you're tempted to get drawn into an argument, step back and evaluate the situation. Maybe it's time to change the buttons. Often, your children need limits placed on the way they're relating. Be careful to respond to your kids with appropriate discipline instead of reacting in a way that joins into their foolish arguments.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
It's amazing that children are smart enough to find those buttons that will set us off, but what's more amazing is that parents take the bait. A child may say, "You never let me have a snack," and the parent all of a sudden is ready to fight. Or the child says, "Dad wouldn't do it this way," or "I don't want to go to school," and Mom goes into a tirade. Children know what it is that gets us. If you find those opportunities irresistible then you need to step back and deal with your own anger.
Now, don't get us wrong. Children who engage in manipulations like that need to be disciplined, but they don't need anger. There's a difference. Your anger points out a problem. That's what anger is good for. It tells you something is wrong. But anger isn't good for solving problems.
When you're tempted to get drawn into an argument, step back and evaluate the situation. Maybe it's time to change the buttons. Often, your children need limits placed on the way they're relating. Be careful to respond to your kids with appropriate discipline instead of reacting in a way that joins into their foolish arguments.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Identify the Cues of Anger
Helping children deal with anger is an important task of parenting. Many parents report that there is no time between the trigger and the response in their children. Before we can teach children anger management, we must first help them see anger coming on. James 1:19 says that we should be slow to anger. Here are some ways to help children slow down the process.
Talk about the physical indicators that anger is approaching. These cues are different for each person. You may even use yourself as an example. How can you tell when you're starting to get angry? Maybe it's furrowed eyebrows, tightened facial muscles, rapid breathing, raised shoulders, hollow feeling in the chest, clenched teeth, tightened fists, pursed lips, wide eyes, or a change in tone or pitch of your voice. Identifying these early warning signs of anger can help children feel it coming on before they react.
Point out these early warning signs in others. Virtually all children's animated videos contain exaggerated facial features to depict emotions. Watch a video and point out the times when someone gets angry. How could you tell? This exercise is helpful for identifying one's own cues but also helps children see anger coming on in others. If you teach children how to respond to the anger of others, they can learn to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers.
Take action earlier. Once you see the cues, stop the escalation before it starts. "Bill, it looks like you’re getting upset, come over here and settle down before things get out of hand." Earlier intervention will eventually help your children make those same choices for themselves and teach them how to manage anger in healthy ways.
To learn more about helping children manage their anger, consider the book, Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Talk about the physical indicators that anger is approaching. These cues are different for each person. You may even use yourself as an example. How can you tell when you're starting to get angry? Maybe it's furrowed eyebrows, tightened facial muscles, rapid breathing, raised shoulders, hollow feeling in the chest, clenched teeth, tightened fists, pursed lips, wide eyes, or a change in tone or pitch of your voice. Identifying these early warning signs of anger can help children feel it coming on before they react.
Point out these early warning signs in others. Virtually all children's animated videos contain exaggerated facial features to depict emotions. Watch a video and point out the times when someone gets angry. How could you tell? This exercise is helpful for identifying one's own cues but also helps children see anger coming on in others. If you teach children how to respond to the anger of others, they can learn to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers.
Take action earlier. Once you see the cues, stop the escalation before it starts. "Bill, it looks like you’re getting upset, come over here and settle down before things get out of hand." Earlier intervention will eventually help your children make those same choices for themselves and teach them how to manage anger in healthy ways.
To learn more about helping children manage their anger, consider the book, Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Don't be Deterred by Resistance
Children often don’t understand why parents instruct, correct, or limit them. Your kids likely question your wisdom and motivations. Although your children may resist your parenting, don’t give up. There will be times when you’d rather escape than confront, rest than correct, or do the job yourself instead of instructing your children to do it. Parenting requires sacrifice and work. Be courageous in challenging your children in spite of their resistance.
Hebrews 12:11 reminds us that discipline isn’t easy to accept, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.” A child screams when he’s about to get an immunization. He doesn’t care whether it’s going to prevent a disease or not; he just doesn’t like pain.
None of us wants pain in our lives. But discipline does involve pain. Whether we’re doing physical therapy, trying to lose weight, or saving money, we must give up some things in order to gain something we want.
Be careful not to let resistance from your kids get in the way of their training. Children don’t usually have the foresight needed to work hard unless there’s some kind of immediate reward.
But then there are those occasional moments when your son brings in the trashcans without being asked or your daughter cleans up her room on her own. Those are the small indications that maturity is just around the corner. Encourage your children and determine to hang in there beyond the resistance. Your kids need your self-discipline and persistence as they grow to develop their own.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Hebrews 12:11 reminds us that discipline isn’t easy to accept, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.” A child screams when he’s about to get an immunization. He doesn’t care whether it’s going to prevent a disease or not; he just doesn’t like pain.
None of us wants pain in our lives. But discipline does involve pain. Whether we’re doing physical therapy, trying to lose weight, or saving money, we must give up some things in order to gain something we want.
Be careful not to let resistance from your kids get in the way of their training. Children don’t usually have the foresight needed to work hard unless there’s some kind of immediate reward.
But then there are those occasional moments when your son brings in the trashcans without being asked or your daughter cleans up her room on her own. Those are the small indications that maturity is just around the corner. Encourage your children and determine to hang in there beyond the resistance. Your kids need your self-discipline and persistence as they grow to develop their own.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Fences Build Self Control
Through limit setting, discipline, and teaching, you provide “fences” that your children need. A fence is an indication of a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed. A fence around your house tells neighbors where the limits are and helps children and animals know where their freedom ends. The same is true in social relationships. Children need to know where the social boundaries are and when to stop before behavior becomes a nuisance to others.
Children who do annoying things habitually jump the fences. They need parents who are very involved in their everyday lives. The fences that facilitate social relationships can be complicated at times. Teasing has limits, and knowing when silliness or goofiness should end isn’t always easy to determine. Parents must step in at these times to help their children develop the social fences needed for successful relationships.
The goal of parent-control is to encourage self-control. Don’t be afraid to provide firm limits for your children. They need those external controls for a while in order to develop internal control.
After children have learned to live within the boundaries and guidelines you’ve established for relationships, you gradually release the control and allow your kids to rely on their own internal fences that they’ve developed as a result of your training. The work you do during this time has long-lasting benefits. By focusing on impulsivity you will not only help your children socially, but you will also give them the tools to deal with temptation as well.
Remember that part of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 is self-control. It's something that God also wants to develop in your child. It takes work but it's worth it in the end.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Children who do annoying things habitually jump the fences. They need parents who are very involved in their everyday lives. The fences that facilitate social relationships can be complicated at times. Teasing has limits, and knowing when silliness or goofiness should end isn’t always easy to determine. Parents must step in at these times to help their children develop the social fences needed for successful relationships.
The goal of parent-control is to encourage self-control. Don’t be afraid to provide firm limits for your children. They need those external controls for a while in order to develop internal control.
After children have learned to live within the boundaries and guidelines you’ve established for relationships, you gradually release the control and allow your kids to rely on their own internal fences that they’ve developed as a result of your training. The work you do during this time has long-lasting benefits. By focusing on impulsivity you will not only help your children socially, but you will also give them the tools to deal with temptation as well.
Remember that part of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 is self-control. It's something that God also wants to develop in your child. It takes work but it's worth it in the end.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Dealing with Dishonesty
Living with a child who is dishonest is not easy. You’re always second-guessing her, wondering if she’s lying again. Sometimes you suspect that your son is doing the wrong thing, but you can’t prove it. He may deny it, and there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do.
In those moments of doubt, be careful not to push too hard. Don’t try to force a confession or prove something you can’t. After all, your child may be innocent this time, and you don’t want to overemphasize a lack of trust. Remember that a child who lies will provide you with a number of opportunities to confront. That’s an unfortunate reality, but it means that you don’t have to press an unclear situation. You can wait for one that is clearer and determine to make an issue out of it at that time. Other times, you might simply make an observation about the importance of honesty and move on.
On the other hand, when you know that your child is lying, you'll want to be firm. Requiring confession is often the first step toward change. Many times it's helpful to have a child actually say the words, "I lied." There's something painfully helpful about being honest about lying. Of course, other discipline and strategies will likely be necessary for a child who lies, but keep in mind you're working for the long term. Openness and honesty with God start with our relationships at home. The goal is for our kids to develop a lifestyle of honesty, so when they fail, they need to be able to confess and feel forgiven.
Look for ways to correct on the spot, but also use lying as a cue that you have some greater work to do in the character department. As you teach, correct, and pray for your children who have lied, you will be working along with God to develop a heart of integrity in them. Your investment will be worth it in the end.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
In those moments of doubt, be careful not to push too hard. Don’t try to force a confession or prove something you can’t. After all, your child may be innocent this time, and you don’t want to overemphasize a lack of trust. Remember that a child who lies will provide you with a number of opportunities to confront. That’s an unfortunate reality, but it means that you don’t have to press an unclear situation. You can wait for one that is clearer and determine to make an issue out of it at that time. Other times, you might simply make an observation about the importance of honesty and move on.
On the other hand, when you know that your child is lying, you'll want to be firm. Requiring confession is often the first step toward change. Many times it's helpful to have a child actually say the words, "I lied." There's something painfully helpful about being honest about lying. Of course, other discipline and strategies will likely be necessary for a child who lies, but keep in mind you're working for the long term. Openness and honesty with God start with our relationships at home. The goal is for our kids to develop a lifestyle of honesty, so when they fail, they need to be able to confess and feel forgiven.
Look for ways to correct on the spot, but also use lying as a cue that you have some greater work to do in the character department. As you teach, correct, and pray for your children who have lied, you will be working along with God to develop a heart of integrity in them. Your investment will be worth it in the end.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Gratefulness Principle
Gratitude increases closeness. Look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness as you work to draw closer to your kids. Give your children small gifts of love day after day. Be careful, though, that you don’t confuse the gratefulness principle with the overindulgence trap.
Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.
Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their child’s ability to manage the blessings. Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more spoiled, demanding, and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.
When your children become overindulged rather than grateful, pull back on the area where you’re giving too much and look for ways to increase the areas where you’re lacking. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart. Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence.
As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.
This parenting tip is taken from chapter eight in the book Parenting is Heart Work by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller RN BSN.
Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.
Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their child’s ability to manage the blessings. Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more spoiled, demanding, and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.
When your children become overindulged rather than grateful, pull back on the area where you’re giving too much and look for ways to increase the areas where you’re lacking. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart. Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence.
As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.
This parenting tip is taken from chapter eight in the book Parenting is Heart Work by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller RN BSN.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Be an Example of Change
Making changes in family life is often a group project. Children may be more motivated to change when they see others trying to change as well—especially when those other people are their parents. Your transparency about your own weakness can be an encouragement to your kids.
Many parents have their anger meters set too tight. They react with intensity for even the smallest infraction of the rules. James 1:19-20 is helpful for us all to memorize: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” Character qualities like patience, persistence, and self-control help both children and parents to increase the tolerance level on their anger meter.
One single dad told us, “One morning, I got up, looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person I had become. I realized that I needed to make some changes in myself. Anger and bitterness were making me a hurtful person. As I began working on my own thoughts, feelings, and reactions, I was able to respond differently to life’s struggles. I was then surprised to see my kids change in response to what they saw in me. Things started moving in a positive direction for my family.”
Set the example for change in family life. Talk openly with your kids about the changes you’d like to see and the changes you’re working on in your own life. You may be surprised to find them following along behind you.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Many parents have their anger meters set too tight. They react with intensity for even the smallest infraction of the rules. James 1:19-20 is helpful for us all to memorize: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” Character qualities like patience, persistence, and self-control help both children and parents to increase the tolerance level on their anger meter.
One single dad told us, “One morning, I got up, looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person I had become. I realized that I needed to make some changes in myself. Anger and bitterness were making me a hurtful person. As I began working on my own thoughts, feelings, and reactions, I was able to respond differently to life’s struggles. I was then surprised to see my kids change in response to what they saw in me. Things started moving in a positive direction for my family.”
Set the example for change in family life. Talk openly with your kids about the changes you’d like to see and the changes you’re working on in your own life. You may be surprised to find them following along behind you.
This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
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